I'm not sure if there's anyone reading this blog who hasn't seen Transformers: Revenge of The 9-Year-Old, but if there are, then avert your eyes.
Let's get the good stuff out of the way first. The fight scene in the forest reminded me once again of why we really need to have a proper Warstriderbattle in Exalted, because "duh".
Now, for everything else. First of all, it seems Michael Bay found a magical well of youth, because he must be at least 35 years younger than he is supposed to be. The supposed jokes of the movie are not really of the kind aimed at nine-year-olds, as much as the kind thought up by nine-year-olds. Why do the Retard-Bots have huge ears and buck-teeth? In fact, why are there Retard-Bots? It is pretty clear we are supposed to hate these guys, everyone in the movie does. The only moments of their screen time that I liked was when one of them was shot, and the other eaten. Sadly, it didn't stick. At least Bumblebee beat them a bit.
Why does the huge And-I'll-Form-The-Head-Bot have balls? It was pretty clear they didn't have a purpose.
Why did they steal an antagonist from "Terminator 36: We Ran Out Of Cool Shit Ages Ago"? The Look-Like-A-Girl-Bot was useless, stupid, and broke the point of the Transformers.
Why did they try to fool people into thinking they were making a properly bad teen-movie out of it, just to ignore everything that happened during that part, except for the useless sidekick? Why did they bring the useless sidekick?
Why did the original Primes sacrifice themselves to make a prison, if said prison could be shot apart by a single blast from an, as far as I know, not very combat-focused Autobot?
And why the fucking hell can't Michael Bay think up a plausible goal for the antagonist? What the hell? I mean, Megatron still seemed to be in it for the energy, to revive their planet, but the Fallen mostly seemed to like demolishing suns. Meh.
I had more things to add, and I might remember them later.
As a final note: Fuck You Translator. Fuck You.
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3 comments:
I agree on many points - my absolutely greatest disappointment was that there were rumours about "more robots in this movie", and instead of getting more Ratchet, Ironhide and Bumblebee, we get the RetardBots and Jetfire impersonating Kup. Not a good choice of robots when they have so many good ones to pick from.
And about the translator - did you too notice that he accidentally gave the Transformers a sex drive?
I have to say though, I didn't dislike the "teen-movie" aspects, I thought those were rather cute. Also, I liked the relationships between the characters - human and Transformer alike.
It wasn't a bad movie, it just suffered badly from Jar Jar Syndrome.
If they had integrated the teen-movie-aspects into the movie, fine, but they didn't. The only remnant was the useless sidekick, everything else was promptly ignored the moment it left the screen.
But I agree on the relationships, most of them.
And yes, there are cooler transformers. Even I know that, and I've seen a grand total of one episode of one Transformers show, ever. Also, they introduced three new ones, the RetardBots, the GirlBots and the Not-Really-In-This-Movie-Bot that might have been really cool. He did at least have a cool car, but that's about all we saw of him.
And the translator, yes he gave them a sexdrive, somehow, but he also routinely translated "Sliver" as "Silver", so that "The AllSpark sliver" somehow means "AllSpark silvret".
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