I was going to write a post about what we've been doing, but I decided against it.
Instead, I'm going to talk about an interesting thing I realized the other day:
I miss me.
It feels like it's been the longest time since I was me, properly.
I had a long talk with one of the girls in my class a week or so ago (I think she was a bit drunk at the time) and I realized that I can't be me when dealing with most people. I knew this in part already, but I hadn't realized how much of me I had to take away in order to not make people uncomfortable or annoyed. When I hang out with the guys in my class, I can pretty easily just take a simple layer of stereotypical manly behavior and use that as a personality, it's a relatively simple piece of acting and an easy roll to fall into, but it's not really me, in any proper sense of the word. I have been able to be a part of me when we've been playing games at an internet-cafe here, that part has been very nice, since that is actually a role I can feel is a part of proper me, but other than that, I miss being able to relax and just be. It doesn't work here, or with these people. The biggest issue is, I think, that I'm much more used to the Scout-way of making friends, which is usually very direct. This doesn't seem to suit most other people, so I come off as annoyingly direct and personal. Not an optimal first impression. The good thing here has been that a lot of people have been drunk a lot of the time, and that tends to move people slightly further towards my favored way of socializing, but it is still pretty far from "the real deal", and it also tends to be quite temporary, what with people sobering up and all.
I guess that, in essence, what I really miss most is the possibility to meet new people and make friends without having to limit myself and go through layers of rules and technicalities every step of the way in order to not drive people away. It is really quite taxing, in the long run.
There were other things to write, but I forgot them. I'm sure you're all surprised.
Cheerio.
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5 comments:
Surprised indeed - but I recognise the feeling. It's so crippling to have to act in ways you're not used to, that it becomes, well - for me, it's almost impossible to do it.
Yeah I agree. Know that feeling. And I can only keep it up for a little while. Too short, often, to make lasting friendships unless the other person is the same.
I'm... hm, missing word... happy? honored? mildly surprised and mildly impressed and... well. I'm that, anyway, at hearing this from you because it shows a shard of you that I haven't seen before.
/hug
I see excactly your point, and I can feel it in its essence. Miss it, but maybe it's part of growing up. Not being able to be yourself anymore? Cynic? Me? Of course.
To me, it's not really 'hard' to do, it's just hard to get it 'just right'.
It's easy to get rid of parts of my personality, or add new ones, even for extended periods of time. It's not always fun, but it's pretty easy. What is hard is to do it properly, to remove just enough to still feel like me, in some sense, while still not being strange to people.
I did this all the time with you guys, although to a much lesser extent, mind you. But it still took years to build up what I would have preferred to go straight to, since that's what I'm used to.
This is all far less serious than it sounds now, I'm just using it as an example that one always has to remove parts of ones personality when dealing with most people, and that in my case it usually concerns being less direct than I would like.
I actually kind of like having different... well, not personalities. My personality doesn't change - it's a constant inner core. Over a period of many years it might change - I wouldn't know. But when I deal with different people I adjust my interests, so to speak. I just pick a category of my interests that seem suitable to the people I am currently hanging out with and focus on that.
I never discuss roleplaying or video games with my parents. I never go partying with you guys.
As long as I have an outlet for all my interests it's fine. It's kind of annoying sometimes though, having to maintain 2-3 groups of friends in order to cover it all.
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